Always Advent

Am currently embarked on Bridget-Jones’s-Diary-induced Pride & Prejudice kick. Have watched BBC television version of P & P twice in the past two days. Have crush on Colin Firth and therefore cannot bring self to watch new theatrical version of P & P starring some other actor as Mr. Darcy. I beg you to forgive me, but am unable to speak normally due to excessive influence of Bridget Jones diary-speak and 19th century British diction. Are you not exceedingly diverted?

Related articles:
Bridget Jones’s Diary and the Theology of the Body

Juxtaposition Review: Bridget Jones’s Diary and Children of Men

Curt Jester was good for a laugh recently:

http://www.splendoroftruth.com/curtjester/archives/008657.ph p

Thanks to Margaret at Running the Asylum for the link!

May I direct you to Always Advent’s historic first post?

Not too amazing, I’ll admit. How about the eighth or so thing I ever posted–a review of an old episode of Star Trek: The Original Series.

A small child had this conversation with her mother:

“Mommy, I didn’t know Mary was a monk.”

“A monk? I don’t think so.”

“Then why do we call her a monk?”

“We don’t call her a monk.”

“Yes, we do, in the Hail Mary when we pray the Rosary.”

“We do?”

“Yes. And why does she swim?”

“She swims?”

“Mom! In the Rosary, we say, ‘Blessed are you, a monk swimmin,’ and blessed is the fruit o’ thy womb.”

I thought this one was pretty funny. Right up there with “Howard be thy name.”

Anyone come across this game “Would you rather..?” at work or at school? I think it started as a goofy game children made up to amuse themselves on the bus to school or something, but it became something of a craze; at Christmastime people were bringing book versions of it into the office where I work. The game involves posing questions like this:

“Would you rather jump from a 3rd story window into a dumpster full of pins and needles OR jump from a 28 story window into a dumpster full of fluffy feathers?“

“Would you rather bite into a pus-filled donut or a maggot-filled donut?“

And so on ad nauseum, literally. Most of the time it degenerates into pretty disgusting stuff, often sexual in nature.

This is entertainment? “Would you rather pee out a dart or poop out a telephone?“?”

If you read enough of these, I suppose it takes on the quality of an absurd litany of sorts, and perhaps some of the questions are amusing…

Would you rather
slide down a 50 foot razor blade into a vat of alcohol, or
suck all the snot out of a dog’s nose until its head caves in?

Would you rather
survive a nuclear war only to become the podiatrist to a race of mutants, or
smell the cheese?

Would you rather
be mechanically induced to scream at the top of your lungs for an hour, or
have your eyes glued shut for a day?

Would you rather
be forced to preface everything you say with the phrase “Tuck it in” under threat of being slapped, or
have a magnetic head?

Would you rather
be born with a refrigerator on your back, or
have an elephant as a close, personal friend?

Would you rather
have 15 nails hammered into your tongue, or
have your saliva permanently transmuted to urine?

Would you rather
have needles for leg hair, or
have flares shoot out of your nose every time you say the word “the” (ouch).

Would you rather
have eyes that always smile, or
or a voice that makes people calm?

Would you rather
be able to fly, or
have the ability to read people’s minds?

Would you rather
lose your keys three days in a row, or
have your dog eat your birthday cake?

Would you rather
have the power of invisibility, or
be able to produce sparks from your fingertips?

Would you rather
be able to fortell the future, or
have all the money you will every need?

Would you rather
be able to stop time while you slept, or
never need to do laundry?

Would you rather
be able to bring about a lasting world peace, or
eliminate all hunger and disease?

Would you rather
be debt free, or
eleven years ahead of schedule?

Would you rather
suck on a live cattle prod for five minutes, or
be imprisoned?

Would you rather
have spaghetti sauce you can sink your teeth into, or
teeth that sink in spaghetti sauce?

Would you rather
have a foot long eyelash you can never pluck, or
an earlobe the size of a basketball?

Would you rather
hit every red light for the rest of your life, or
always be wrong?

Would you rather
catch a cold after freezing your face in bowl of liquid nitrogen, or
be unable to sit?

Would you rather
Meet the Beatles, or
eat beetle meat?

Would you rather
Bring home the bacon, or
be water soluble?

Would you rather
Be a webmaster, or
know only 7 words (is there a difference)?

…but still…

(The list quoted above is from this website: http://barry.warsaw.us/poems/wyr.html)

How about a Catholic game of Would You Rather..?

I’ll go first:

Would you rather live for 80 years at a level just above the poverty line while struggling to overcome habitual sins, striving to grow in holiness and intimacy with Our Lord, and trying to make a positive difference in the world and then spend eternity enjoying perfect fellowship with Almighty God OR…

…live for 80 years in self-centered luxury, comfort and indulgence of every vice, having no thought whatsoever of God or your neighbor, and then spend eternity burning in hell?

I’m not sure that quite works, though. The game seems to be about choosing between two equally bad options. In the question I posit above, only one option is bad, and it depends entirely on whether you believe the doctrine of Heaven & Hell, or not.

My dad, who recently received an amazing offer from a local crematorium, mused further and sent me this:

I wonder if I should get back to the crematorium, offering to write its direct mail in future. I’m think that it’s missing the boat here. I mean I used to make a living doing direct mail stuff and many other marketing things, and I feel there should be a direct mail offer for not just “a cremation” but for three different levels of service.

For instance, 10 lucky winners would win “Our respectful standard service”: i.e. place the body onto the conveyor belt and give it a hard shove.

Five lucky winners would win ”Our extremely respectful upgraded service”: i.e. put the body into a cardboard box before placing the box onto the conveyor belt and giving it a hard shove.

And one person would win the Grand Prize, “Our totally respectful top-of-the-line service”: i.e. put the body into a pine casket before placing the casket onto the conveyor belt and giving it a hard shove, followed by our taking off our hats as a token of respect.

This is from my Dad:

I have to pass along to you that you know you’re getting old when one of the pieces of direct mail that comes into your mailbox is from a local crematorium offering you a chance to win a free cremation.

LOL! :)

He also mentioned that he didn’t enter the contest…

I wanted to share with you the names of the six fish my mom has in her fish tank, for no good reason other than that I think they’re funny. They are, in order of funniness:

Marty
Smeagol
The Vacuum Cleaner Fish (the one that sticks his big mouth to the side of tank and sucks algae.)
The Great Big One
His Name Is…
Where’s the Other One?

No idea which fish is in the picture. Probably not Where’s the Other One, because we can never find him…

I was at the airport last night waiting for my children to return from their annual winter-time trip to visit their father. The flight was delayed so I got out my breviary to pray.

Just FYI–the airport, even at 11:30 pm at night, is a bit too noisy for recollected prayer. :) I was sitting by one of those moving conveyor belt walkways, and there was a bizarre antiphonal effect to the constantly repeated announcement from the speaker:

Psalm 110
The Lord’s revelation to my Master: “Sit on my right: your foes I will put beneath your feet.”

Caution: the moving walkway is ending…

The Lord will wield from Zion your scepter of power: rule in the midst of all your foes.

Caution: the moving walkway is ending…

A prince from the day of your birth on the holy mountains; from the womb before the dawn I begot you.

Caution: the moving walkway is ending…

And so on. Sigh.

But that’s okay. Prayer doesn’t always have to be a mountain-top experience, especially “canned” prayer like the Office, or the Rosary. I think God honors our efforts to remain faithful to our prayer time. Woody Allen said that 90% of life is just showing up. 90% of all prayer is just showing up, too, and it’s up to God to do anything amazing if He wants to.

Granted, carefully choosing a good time and place helps (i.e. not the airport, apparently…) but even in the perfect setting prayer can be dry, uninspiring, boring, and distracted in spite of or maybe even because of our efforts to manufacture a great prayer experience.

Just show up and let God do the heavy lifting.

No idea who wrote these, but they’ve been floating around the internet and have made it to my email inbox a couple times. Enjoy!

CHRISTMAS DISORDERS and CAROLS
1. Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia — I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and…..

6. Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder — Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy – can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder — Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells….

11. Oppositional Defiant Disorder– You better not cry – Oh yes I will
You better not Shout – I can if i want to
You better not pout – Can if i want to
I’m telling you why – Not listening
Santa Claus is coming to town – No he’s not!!